In his book, Everybody Always, Bob Goff states, “What I’ve come to realize is if I really want to “meet Jesus,” then I have to get closer to the people He created. All of them, not just some of them.”

Bob then goes on to say, “if I’m only willing to love the people who are nice to me, the ones who see things the way I do, and avoid all the rest, it’s like reading every other page of the Bible and thinking I know what it says.”

Then, in chapter three, Bob said something that I find powerful, even life-changing – “God didn’t give us neighbors to be our projects; He surrounded us with them to be our teachers.”

Then why do we have so much divisiveness…with our spouses, with our kids, with our colleagues, with our neighbors? I think the answer is actually pretty simple – we have stopped listening to learn. Instead, we listen to respond. Our relationships have become a battle of fighting to be right.

Do you think you can give your full attention to the speaker while formulating your response? Nancy K. Napier, PhD says in Psychology Today, “The Myth of Multitasking”, “Think you’re good at doing several things at once? Think again. Research in neuroscience tells us that the brain doesn’t really do tasks simultaneously, as we thought (hoped) it might. In fact, we just switch tasks quickly. Each time we move from hearing music, to writing a text, or talking to someone, there is a stop/start process that goes on in the brain.”

I have asked this question for years: “How do you spell love?” The answer is not the obvious one. The answer is L-I-S-T-E-N.

One of my son’s professors at Wheaton College, Dr. Jerry Root, had the reputation of making every person he encountered feel value and worth. How did he do this? The answer is simple. The concept needs to be practiced. Dr. Root mastered active listening…in all conversations. I attended a function where Dr. Root was speaking. After the event I watched many people stand in line who wanted to meet and talk with Dr. Root. Dr. Root focused on each person like there was no one else in the room. Not once was he distracted by the line of people formed along the wall. He just locked eyes with each person and listened with laser focused attentiveness. And his focus on each person was very noticeable, as those of us in line began talking about how unique his attentiveness was, and how “those listening skills are a lost art”.

But they don’t have to be.

So, what is active listening?

Active listening gives full attention to the speaker with the goal to make the other person feel heard and valued. It doesn’t mean you agree with what has been said, you are listening to learn about the speaker.

How do you practice active listening?

Give your full attention to the speaker. Concentrate fully on what is being said.

• Put away distractions, like phones and laptops.
• Make sure you’re making eye contact.
• Shut down internal dialog (stop formulating what you’re going to say).

Reflect Back What You Hear

• Summarize what you’ve heard without adding your thoughts, advice, or opinions. Mirroring back what a person said let’s them know you’ve heard what they said, and helps them feel valued.

Withhold Judgement

• As you are listening, consciously control your facial expressions, avoiding any that convey negative impressions.

Ask Open-Ended Questions

• Asking open-ended questions shows you are interested in learning more and encourages more thoughtful expansive responses.

Be Patient

Listening requires giving “wait time”.

• Don’t interrupt.
• Don’t finish their thought.
• Don’t prepare a response while the person is pausing to finish their thought.

Active listening is foundational for healthy communication. And, it’s the best way to love everybody, always.

For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:14