FANOS is an acronym derived from a Greek word meaning “to shed light on” or “to bring to light.” It provides a way for a couple to connect emotionally and to build intimacy (intimacy = “into me you see” and you accept me anyways).

Each letter of the acronym represents a subject you will talk about together during your 15-minute check in each day:

• Feelings: Share with your spouse a feeling you have. (You may use a list of feelings if it could help you identify feelings).
• Affirmations: Affirm your spouse for something he/she has done.
• Needs: State a need you have today (not necessarily one that must be met by your spouse).
• Ownership: Take responsibility and apologize for something you have said or done.
• Struggles: Here you have an opportunity to tell your spouse the status of your struggles today (general struggles, recovery, work, etc.). Be specific.

When you share your FANOS, it is important that the other person provide a safe environment. Their role is simply to listen actively.

When sharing your FANOS, it is important to maintain eye contact with your spouse. Eye contact may feel uncomfortable at first, but will eventually become comfortable. This is part of the benefit of this exercise. If you do the exercise with your spouse, remember not to give feedback. Do not criticize, correct, or shame one another. Simply listen to each other and know that the goal of this exercise is to build intimacy into the relationship. The key is to create safety in the sharing time.