What is a key used for? Unlocking something, of course.  What if you had a key, which when used properly would unlock and open up communication almost, if not, every time?  You would certainly use it, wouldn’t you? What if I told you that you are doubly equipped already?  Jamie referred to being better listeners in a recent message, “we have two ears and one mouth for a reason.”  Sadly, like we find in Proverbs, we’re too quick to speak our own opinions, that we fail to listen.

Fools do not want to understand anything.
    They only want to tell others what they think. Proverbs 18:2

Anyone who answers without listening
    is foolish and confused. Proverbs 18:13

One of the best ways to place immediate value on someone is by listening, really listening to what they say. Unfortunately, we are too busy listening to respond, rather than listening to understand.  I don’t know about you, but the word that just convicted my heart is “selfish”. When I only listen to respond, I am defining the word, selfish. I’m going to step out on a limb and believe that most of us do not intentionally wish to be known as a selfish person. But when we talk over someone, display poor body language or tone, or talk from another room…you got it – SELFISH!

So, what does this key look like so we can start using it today?

• First, make sure you can see the person, not just hear.  If he/she is in another room, don’t call out, but go to him/her.
• Second, listen, really listen, even taking notes if needed, especially if the conversation is confrontational.
• Third, demonstrate that you have heard what was said, but saying, “What I heard you say was…”, using the same words he/she used, along with using a calm tone.

The value of active listening goes far beyond bringing value to those who are speaking. Active listening slows down the pace of the conversation, providing the necessary pauses which give margin, just like the white space on a piece of paper; guarding against chaotic and jumbled communication.  Active listening affords us time to collect our thoughts.  When used properly, active listening is the key that opens wide the door to effective communication.  When used unwisely, can be very damaging. The only way to guard against unwise use is by NEVER paraphrasing or replacing the speakers words with your own…NEVER.  Always repeat, as closely as possible, the exact phrase.

Active listening is a wonderful tool to use with children as soon as they have a fair command of language.  I demonstrated the power of active listening a while back with my wonderfully strong-willed 4-1/2 year-old grandson. When his mother told him it was bed time, Connor responded, “I’m not finished watching my video.” My reply, “What I heard you say, Connor, is that you are not finished watching your video.” He looked at me like I had grown another head and replied with an affirmed grin, “Yes, Monkey, that is what I said.” I then asked him what time was his bedtime and he looked at the clock and replied, “It’s my bedtime, now.” He then put his tablet away and bounded up the steps without argument.  Just the act of acknowledging what he said, was very affirming to him and strengthened our bond.  The following night when Connor was reminded of bedtime, he replied the same way.  I just repeated back what I heard him say, to which he grinned and said, “But Monkey, there is only 1 minute and 12 seconds left, then I’ll go to bed.” Slowing down the conversation, by inserting the “pause” provided by active listening, opened the door to better communication, even with a four year-old.

Imagine how active listening will open the door to communication with your spouse, children, boss, colleagues, and with other relationships.  Try it and let me know how this key to communication works for you.